If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
