I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
