I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
