our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
