Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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