She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
