I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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