Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
