does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
