pop tarts are not kleenex
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
