My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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