remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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