I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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