kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
