i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i've created a new STD.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
