There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
