Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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