Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
