She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
