I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
