sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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