my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
