I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
