I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
