i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
