Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
