Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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