Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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