Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
