dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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