i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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