I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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