3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
