I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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