It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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