There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
