is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
