she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
