And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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