The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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