i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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