I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
