I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Girls should come with a carfax report
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
