i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
