His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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