So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
