How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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