I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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