Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
