The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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