you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
