you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
