i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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