We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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