If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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