Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
