My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Drake has all the answers
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
