I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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