dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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