We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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