mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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