Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
