So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
