What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
