I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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