life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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