I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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