if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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