i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
