o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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